What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Water you doing on [date]?
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Irish you were beer.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
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