Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Poor white splash.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
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