An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
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