Want to lock our bikes together?
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
All punts are highly intended
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
You are un-beer-lievable!
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
Mooning is very ASStrological
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
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