Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
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