What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
Treat yo'elf.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Do you squat here often?
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
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