Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Give me some pigskin
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Seas the day.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
I dreamt about you. You died.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
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