"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
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