Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Your name is insert name here?
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
If there's a will, there's a wave.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
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