An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
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