I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
This vacation has been sand-sational!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
We were mermaid for each other.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
Don’t be elfish.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
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