Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
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