"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Honestly, I really lilac you.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
"I've found some bunny to love."
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Go to BabaMail
