What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
I have a heart-on for you.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Books are my kind of texts.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"No eggs-cuses."
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
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