Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
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