Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
“Feliz navi-dog!”
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
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