Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
You are spud-tacular.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
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