Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
You look like trash, may I take you out?
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
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