I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Your beauty is blinding.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
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