What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
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