On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
You sweep me off my feet!
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
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