What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Bad spelling makes me sic.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Treat yo shelves.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
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