Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
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