Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
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