How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
You’re right up my alley.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
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