A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
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