What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
You're quite the catch, baby.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
You're one in a melon.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
My skate blade is not the only thing made of steel.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
Life is better when we stick together.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
You’re Isaacly my type
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Join us for plenty of play action.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
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