What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
It’s a beautiful Degas!
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
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