What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
You're embarrassed by my dense pickup lines? OK, I won't continuum. I'll be more discrete.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Wow, you drive me Davi
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
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