Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.

If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.

What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.

What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.

What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.

Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.

What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!

What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.

Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."

Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.

The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.

My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.

What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.

What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!

It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”

An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.

Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.

Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.

She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"

I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."

Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.

“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers

What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!

Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.

"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…

Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!

I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.

I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.

I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...

I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.

How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.

Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!

"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone

My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.

Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.

Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.

Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.

What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave

What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.

I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.

Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.

Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.

What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!

Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?

As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"

Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."

On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”