What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically? Let’s be chemists for a day!
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
I love you from my head tomato
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
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