How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
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