How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Let’s put our tulips together.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
Every piece of you is sweet.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
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