As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
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