What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
"I wood never leaf you."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
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