I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
I whale-y like you.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
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