I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.

I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”

What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.

I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.

What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.

Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!

What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"

When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!

If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.

Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.

I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.

If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.

What should you do if a car is annoying you.

Give the car a head rest.

How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.

German Wi-Fi is the WURST.

The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.

The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.

If you where a sheep I would clone you.

Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.

In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.

An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.

These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!

People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.

How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony

A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.

What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.

Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.

I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?

"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama

Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.

You are pitcher perfect.

Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.

When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!

Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?

It just mist.

Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”

I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.

Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.