Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
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