What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Have you botany plants lately?
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
They say everything gets better with age.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
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