You remind me of my last biking accident. Because I am going head over heels for you.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
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