The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
I told you snow.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
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