Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
Variety is the ice of life.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
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