Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
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