I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
"Say you'll be wine."
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Go to BabaMail
