Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
Beer-lieve it or not!
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
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