What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
You dropped something. My jaw.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Hey, are you okay-leb?
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
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