“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Can’t pinch this.
Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
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