Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.

What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns

Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).

I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.

Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize

What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.

What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!

Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.

I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.

Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.

Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.

You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe

(Anonymous)

"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!

I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.

She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?

What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.

I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.

"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.

What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”

Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?

Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.

My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

What do you call two pears?
A pair.

You met all of my koala-fications

What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.

What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.

I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..

Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.

What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.

Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.

“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin

Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.

"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx

What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy

Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.

Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...