What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
How rude-olf of you.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
"Just one hot chick."
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
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