My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
Irish I had better jokes.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
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