What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
You’re right up my alley.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
Metaphors be with you.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
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