What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
I think you're mer-mazing.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Metaphors be with you.
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