What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.

What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.

You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.

What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.

I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing

Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.

“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl

Sips getting real.

Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.

What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.

Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.

What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!

What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.

What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.

What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!

What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”

Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.

What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!

What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.

You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.

If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!

Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.

“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown

Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.

How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!

My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."

Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.

What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.

What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.

What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!

You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.

Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.

Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.

I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.

Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.

Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.

There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.

A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.

I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.

Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!

What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha

What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.

“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown

What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.