"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
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