Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Belize let me hold you.
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
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