There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Beauty is only pig skin deep
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
Your presents is requested.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
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