We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
"No eggs-cuses."
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
You have goat to be kidding me.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
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