Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I Ecuador you.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
Readers do it by the book.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
That’s a-may-zing!
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
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